• Darrell & Robin MacLearn

Let's Talk Sex


What if you could improve your sex life outside the bedroom?


For many, having sex is easier than talking about it. Yet, couples who claim to have fantastic sex lives unanimously agree: A main ingredient in their secret sauce is communication. At first look, communication may not sound as sexy as wearing spicy lingerie, learning a new sex trick or becoming an exhibitionist, but the simple act of being able to communicate your needs, desires, fears and pleasures builds intimacy on a grand level. And if you don’t talk about them, chances are that sexual dissatisfaction will infect other areas of the relationship.


The problem is often times we find it easier to have conversations about sex with online strangers than we do with our own spouse. In fact problems with sex is the number one problem discussed in online relationship forums.


Why is it so difficult to talk about sex? We all have baggage that we carry with us through life and into our relationships. Baggage has often gotten a bad rap as all the negative stuff. Baggage is simply the stuff we travel with. It is our experiences, circumstances, & lessons learned in life. It is all the mental and emotional stuff that we have accumulated over time that we journey with. Each person brings their unique training, experiences, and understandings on the topic of sex.


Jim and Mary fell madly in love and got married. Jim grew up in a legalistic church and sex was never talked about. He started looking at porn when he was 12. He was caught and was shamed and given Bible verses to memorize about sex and hell. Mary grew up in a very sexually free home and was sexually molested by her uncle when she was 8. She lost her virginity by choice when she was 14. If Jim and Mary don't learn to communicate about the stuff they carry with them they will struggle with intimacy in the bedroom.


Being able to talk about sex with your partner is important for sexual satisfaction. Research has found that couples who have strong sexual communication are actually more satisfied with their sex lives.


So where do we start?


Seek to understand before being understood


Understand your self


Clarify your issues for yourself. Before approaching the subject with your partner, you need to be clear on what your issues are. Sex is complicated, and your feelings could have as much to do with your own history as with your dissatisfaction with technical delivery from your partner. Sit with your thoughts for a while. This process will help you get clear before engaging in a sensitive topic.


The Key to being understood starts with self awareness and a willingness to open up and be vulnerable.

Understand your spouse


Communication is about shared meaning and shared meaning comes through understanding. Sex often has a great deal of hidden emotion surrounding it. Everything from guilt, betrayal, anger, hatred, jealousy, fear, and pain to positive emotions of joy and pleasure can all be present hidden in the recesses of your partner's mind. We all enter our marriages with a past that has shaped our thinking. Understanding your spouse is the key that unlocks an orgasmic sex life.


The Key that unlocks understanding is genuine, authentic, empathetic caring.


Try these 6 Communication Tips and you

might just get lucky


1. Discuss sexual issues clothed and outside the bedroom

2. Build trust by being trustworthy with vulnerable information

3. Listen actively and with genuine empathy

4. Try 4-play communication. Start slow and lead into deeper conversations

5. Be vulnerable if you want your spouse to be vulnerable

6. Pick one topic per conversation


Don't Do this or you may be sleeping on the couch


1. Don't blindside your partner with sex talk

2. Don't bring up your sex life in front of others

3. Don't compare to past relationships

4. Don't complain - make suggestions instead

5. Don't "correct" - the goal is to connect

6. Don't talk about your sex issues during or right after having sex



Here are some conversation starters you may find helpful











Remember:


You are on the same team and have the same goal... An ORGASMIC sex life and a deep intimate marriage!


In the absence of concrete information, people make assumptions.

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