Our formula for an eXtraOrdinary Marriage (ICA+T=XO)
Like most people we got married believing in the fairytale happily ever after. We were the perfect couple, in the beginning and on the surface anyway. It didn’t take long to discover that reality happens and we weren't as good at this relationship stuff as we thought we were or led everyone around us to believe.
We wanted a great relationship but eventually found ourselves more like roommates drifting further and further apart. Of course this drift opened us up to the slippery slope of stupid choices and yes we made our share of them and our marriage was rapidly failing. At a conference in Las Vegas NV. I informed my wife that I had had an affair. This was the second time I had “come clean." Of course this led to a serious crisis moment and I desperately didn’t want to be another statistic.
I didn’t want to be a failure. I didn’t get married to fail. I was filled with guilt, and shame, and a host of limiting beliefs. I had no self esteem and was questioning, “who am I”? This was especially tough for me with my identity as a pastor. Yes ANOTHER clergy failure for our world to add to its list.
At about this time in our journey we had conveniently separated due to a move we were making to Albuquerque. I was alone in an apartment in Albuquerque, Robin was still in Phoenix. I was trying to recreate myself in my work at a roofing company and bury my pain and Robin was attending support groups and doing adultery/infidelity recovery research.
I’ll never forget one day driving down the road in Albuquerque, weeping uncontrollably. I was headed south on I25 and I called Robin and bawled. I was at a place of desperation. How could I ever repair what was so badly broken?
We were both trying and struggling. We didn’t have good communication skills. In fact we hadn't been communicating for quite some time; part of the problem. We didn’t have a plan. The struggle was real and our culture wasn’t helping.
Culture said, throw in the towel. Walk away and start over. Give up! But everything with in us didn’t want to lose what we had, not the bad but the beginning. What we knew was there.
That is when everything changed and we discovered the secret formula for an eXtraOrdinary marriage. And it is the formula we teach today in all of our marriage work. It is the formula that permeates all we do in ALL areas of our life.
In November of 2017 my boss sent a team of us, my wife included, to Tony Robbins, Unleash the Power Within conference in Orlando Florida. We both had made the decision that we would be “ALL IN” in the conference and do whatever we were asked to do. That weekend we were introduced to personal growth and development principles and mindsets that had never been a part of our life. We had faith and God and the Bible but we lacked a framework to help us put that in action. That weekend we literally walked on fire and that was a turning point for each of us individually. The event wasn’t about our marriage and yet it was, because it was about each of us becoming our best self and committing to continued personal growth and development.
What we discovered was a formula
Intentional Consistent Action + Time = eXtraordinary Outcomes!
We discovered that when we intentionally take consistent action on becoming our best self we can accomplish anything including not just saving our marriage but intentionally building an eXtraOrdinary marriage.
So we immediately went to work on us. We poured into Podcasts and personal growth material, Brendon Burchard and coaching and looking in the mirror. We started reading personal growth books and books on marriage and we in essence "Forgot the past and focused forward"… Building us. Focusing on building the relationship. We took intentional massive action. I wish I could say it was easy. I wish I could say we didn’t struggle. I wish I could say we stayed consistent from the start. But I can’t. We had our starts and stops. But we also always had hope and belief and a framework to help us discover the right actions to consistently take on purpose and move us toward eXtraOrdinary.
Through that process we discovered what some of the intentional consistent actions needed to be to heal the past and build our relationship. We discovered what to do and many things not to do.
Having been in ministry and really always having had a heart for others it didn’t take us long to realize that the reason the divorce rate is what it is was because people don’t have this framework and that they are where we were for so many years. Drifting toward divorce without the right intentional actions that can move them toward eXtraOrdinary!
So we have developed a course to take what we have learned and help others save
their marriages and thrive, no matter where they currently are in their relationship.
Today we have an incredible, thriving marriage and we help others have thriving marriages in spite of what they have been through.
Joe and Raychel were headed for divorce. Fairly young in marriage but carrying a lot of baggage. Raychel said, I don’t think we would have survived COVID Lockdown without this coaching.
Once we learned this formula and started applying it to our marriage we discovered that we are not perfect but we now have a tool and we are acquiring that fairy tale happily ever after - BECAUSE IT IS POSSIBLE TO LIVE HAPILY EVER AFTER!!! Our marriage was meant to last AND meant to thrive.
But what is even cooler than that is who we are becoming as individuals. We are transforming and crushing our limiting beliefs, we no longer live with guilt and insecurities, we are constantly gaining confidence, we are using our lives to impact our world and make a significant difference! And we passionately love each other in spite of and maybe even because of the pain we have been through together. Our faith is now in action and we are living out what it means to LOVE ONE ANOTHER! It feels good to have a Thriving Marriage knowing where we have been.
Click the link below if you would like more information on our 8 module online course: Meant to Last: 7 Proven steps to transform your marriage